The Spice of Life

Thea and I awakened to the sounds of hammering and sawing, shouts, laughter, and giggles, and the general bustle of Teds out in the backyard preparing for their annual Variety Show and Fun Raiser. Looking out the bedroom window facing the back, we witnessed the spectacle of scores of Teds scurrying back-and-forth, hither and yon, erecting the stage and getting ready for the arrival of the hundreds of Teds expected for this afternoon's event. Directing it all were Benjamin, Brighton, Mack, Letta, Shoshonna, Birnie, and Biwi, each getting in the others’ way more often than not, although still managing to make slow but steady progress.

As we prepared breakfast, the youngest Teds – Itsy, Lily-pop, Sparkie, and Waldo – tagged along behind us, chattering away excitedly about the day's coming events. This would be Lily-pop's second Variety Show and Waldo's first. Itsy was particularly fired up and could hardly contain herself because this was the first Show she was to take part in.

“You're coming to the Show, right?” Itsy inquired earnestly, looking up at her Mommola and me.

“Of course we are, sweetheart,” Thea assured her.

“Good,” Itsy replied, “‘cause I'm gonna be a star in it.”

“I can hardly wait,” I deadpanned.

“Me, too,” she said, then wandered off to get her cannon.

The Teds began showing up a little after noon. They started off in dribs and drabs in groups of two to five each, which slowly grew into a steady stream of tittering, chattering, giggling, squealing, wriggling, squirming hordes of Teddy Bears. Overall, they remained remarkably well-behaved, setting out little picnic blankets to sit on in front of the stage, walking about hugging each other in greetings, and having a grand ol' time together.

Benjamin had set up a concession off to one side, festively decorated with red crepe draped around the top and with balloons floating from all four corners. There he sold slices of watermelon for a penny and, for those Teds with a note from their Mom or Dad that they were allowed to drink it, miniature foaming mugs of Mason's root beer for a nickel. He also reluctantly dispensed, at Thea's insistence, free bags of popcorn and mugs of lemonade or fruit juice. Business seemed to be brisk as a mob of Teds crowded around the stand calling out their requests. Faith, Sweetie, and Chuffy were helping to serve the many customers.

As the time for the start of the Show drew near, Thea and I moved our chairs out toward the rear of the gathered throng, and Teds began making their way back to settle onto their blankets and await the opening of the curtains. Sherman, wearing his red-C-on-blue Cubs cap as always, had climbed out on a low-lying branch that hung just over the front of the stage. He had a flashlight with him. He was going to be using it as a spotlight during the show.

Mack stood to one side of the stage, studying his stopwatch, one paw raised above his head. At exactly the second the Show was scheduled to begin, he looked up at the stage and slashed his paw down. From behind the stage we heard the “Ka-WHOOMPF” of Itsy's cannon, and the curtains began to rise to the laughing, clapping, and cheering of everyone in attendance.

As the curtains rose, we could see and hear a chorus line composed of Letta, Shonnona, Sassafras, and Bunkie dancing arm-in-arm, kicking up their heels in unison and singing Biwi's famous morning rising song, “Wake up and live! Ta da da da duh! Wake up and live! Ta da da da duh! Wake up and live! Wake up and live! Wake up and LIIIIVVVEEE!” The yard went wild as everyone cheered and clapped and laughed. The Show had begun.

The ladies bowed and skipped off stage as Brighton walked on, her bright white fur all fluffed and combed, and her white lace ribbon tied in a neat bow. This was the first year that she rather than Benjamin was to be the MC for the Variety Show. Smiling broadly, she waited patiently for the cheers and clapping to quiet down. Once the yard was quiet enough for her to be heard, she told them, “We're very glad to see such a good turnout for this year's Variety Show and Fun Raiser. Whatever we make today on the concessions will go straight to Teddy Bear College. So thank you for your support. We’ve got a great show for you this afternoon, and I don't want to keep you from it a minute longer. So, here, for your listening pleasure, are Biwi and Birnie playing another of their piano compositions for eight paws, titled ‘To the End of the Rainbow.’”

With that introduction, Brighton turned and swept her arm to encompass the stage behind her, where Biwi and Birnie were entering from opposite sides of the stage, each pushing his own toy baby grand piano in front of him. They rolled their pianos to center stage, until their backs touched. Once their pianos were in place, Biwi and Birnie turned in unison to face the audience and take deep bows. Their ribbons were new and sparkled in the spotlight that Sherman shined down on them from above. The audience clapped enthusiastically, anticipating the coming performance, until the two of them, again in unison, turned back to face their respective keyboards. At that point silence fell upon the whole backyard. Birnie and Biwi stood stock still for a few hushed seconds, then they both suddenly leapt up onto their pianos and began scampering furiously up and down their keyboards, playing their new homage to Itsy, Lily-pop, Sparkie, and Waldo’s recent adventure, ‘To the End of the Rainbow.’

Biwi played the Itsy and Lily-pop parts, while Birnie played Sparkie and Waldo's parts. As the two of them played, we heard the whole adventure once again, from the very beginning of their intrepid search to their discovery of the berry bushes to the owl, the snake, and Sydney the crow and back to the bushes again. Then the tempo changed as Birnie, Biwi, Shoshonna, and Benjamin showed up. As Birnie played a growly part for Benjamin, the crowd laughed good-heartedly. At the conclusion of their performance, the twin pandas got a standing ovation from the audience, which became all that much louder as the four little explorers themselves came out onto the stage and took bows.

Mack, as stage manager, had a difficult time coaxing Itsy, waving and bowing furiously, back off the stage once she got on it. But eventually Brighton came out to introduce the next act: Benjamin and Mr. Fluffy, the Dueling Magicians.

Benjamin started it off by stepping over and pulling a nickel out from behind Mr. Fluffy's ear. Mr. Fluffy returned the favor by reaching over and pulling out one long scarf after another out from under Benjamin's neck ribbon. Benjamin responded by taking a top hat and pulling Itsy's cannon out of it. Everyone oooed and aaahed and applauded as Benjamin grinned and bowed low.  

Meanwhile Mr. Fluffy took the top hat from Benjamin, set it on the ground behind him, turned to face it with his back to the audience, bent over to reach into the now hidden hat, and seemed to pull something out and out and out from it. Then, standing back up straight, he turned to one side to reveal Itsy standing beside the hat. The audience went wild.

Itsy fired her cannon, “KaWHOOMPF!” At which point, Mr. Fluffy made her cannon disappear. As Itsy looked around in bewilderment, Benjamin made her disappear! The audience cheered and whistled and stamped their back paws with glee! Both Teddy magicians turned to face their audience in unison and took deep bows. After taking a second bow, they turned to face each other, drew out their magic wands and waved them at each other, at which point both of them disappeared. The house went wild!

It took Brighton a while to calm everyone down, but once they had finally settled back onto their blankets and become more or less quiet again, the Teddy John Philip Sousa Appreciation Band came on stage, to more enthusiastic applause. As the Band began their first piece, the ‘Mother Hubbard March,’ Shoshonna came on stage and began tap-dancing to the music. Her performance was electric, and the whole back yard watched in rapt attention.

After the first piece ended to thunderous applause, Brighton came out to announce a short intermission. The audience got up to stretch their legs and make more visits to the concession stand. During the intermission, the Band played several more pieces – ‘The Thunderer,’ ‘Universal Peace,’ and ‘Hail to the Spirit of Liberty,’ with Shoshonna tap-dancing to each. Meanwhile, Sherman climbed down from the tree and handed the flashlight/search light to Mickey, the little black bear with a cocoa brown snout. Mickey then climbed up onto the tree limb and began shining the search light on Shoshonna as she danced.

After the intermission finished with a rousing rendition of ‘The Stars and Stripes Forever,’ Brighton announced that Biwi would now show digital movies of Silly Human-Bean Moments, always a favorite among the Teds. As the stage lights went down and the movie began, it became clear that my silly moments were to be highlighted. There I was spilling glasses of soda or water or cups of tea one after another after another, with the actual spill captured in loving slow motion, each followed by extreme close-ups of my face as I reacted to my own idiocy. After what seemed an endless chain of me spilling things, there began another chain of my tripping over things: rugs, furniture, my own two feet. These were interwoven with me bumping into things, bashing my shin, whacking my head, scraping my arms. Many of these were treated to instant replay; sometimes they were played backwards, which somehow managed to emphasize the clumsiness of the moment. The Ted audience was delighted; they howled at my gaffs, roared at my goofy reactions, and generally rolled on the ground laughing at the hilarity of human nature.  

I, meanwhile, did my best to maintain my dignity. Thea tried to help by placing her hand encouragingly on my forearm, but her frequent involuntary snickers did nothing to soothe my injured pride.

After an agonizing 30 minutes of guffaws at my expense, that part of the Show finally drew to a close. Kippy came out then and recited a couple of his shorter poems. One was a haiku:

Hazy skies, not one cloud.
Heaven's eye beams brightly down.
Winging flocks soar high.

Next, Faith, Sweetie, Chuffy, Sparkie, and Waldo, calling themselves The Bed Bears, came on stage and sang ‘Won't You Be My Teddy Bear?’

This was followed by Biwi doing imitations of famous Teds, along with a few infamous Human Beans.

For the final act of the evening, everyone who had been in the Show today, and everyone who had worked backstage, came out on stage for the final act. Brighton and Benjamin stepped forward, paw-in-paw, and Brighton asked everyone to join them in singing Benjamin's famous song dedicated to the Chicago Cubs. The whole audience stood, and with that they all began singing, “Go Cubs, go Cubs, go Cubs go! Go Cubs, go Cubs, go Cubs go! Go Cubs, go Cubs, go Cubs goooOOOOO! Go Cubs, go Cubs, go Cubs go!” On the final extended note, everyone on stage took a deep bow, Itsy fired her cannon – KaWHOOMF – and amid the cheers and whistles of the audience the curtain came down on this year's Variety Show and Fun Raiser.

Not long afterwards Itsy, Lily-pop, Sparkie, and Waldo came running up to Thea and me. “Did you see us in the Show?” Itsy wanted to know.

“We did indeed,” I assured them.

“You were wonderful,” Thea told them.

“Marvelous,” I agreed.

“I know,” said Itsy. “We’re stars.”

“We're stars,” announced Lily-pop in wonder.

“Yeah, we're stars,” said Waldo and Sparkie.

“You certainly are,” Thea said, reaching down and picking all of them up, and giving them a great big hug. “And you're my little angels, too.”

“Let's not go too far,” I cautioned.

Just then Benjamin and Brighton walked up, paw-in-paw. “So how did you like it?” Benjamin wanted to know.

“It was marvliss,” Itsy informed them as Thea straightened her bonnet.

“The best Show yet,” I quickly assured them.

“You both did outstanding jobs,” Thea said. “You were an excellent MC, Brighton. And you were a terrific magician, Benjamin.”

“Thank you!” said Brighton.

“Gee, thanks,” said Benjamin.

They both managed to look pleased and bashful at the same time.

“The whole production was done very professionally,” I told them. “It was also quite tasty,” I added.

“What do you mean, tasty?” Benjamin asked suspiciously.

“Well, variety is the spice of life, and spice makes things tasty,” I noted, innocently.

“Ooohhh!” everyone groaned.

“That was worse than usual,” Thea complained. To which I could only shrug and grin sheepishly.

“Oh, well,” she said. “At least that reminds me that it's dinner time. Time for the pizza!”

“Yay!” cheered all of the Teds within hearing. “Pizza!” To which announcement, the rest of the Teds in the yard responded with an equally enthusiastic cheer.

“Ahh,” I sighed as I observed Biwi and Birnie rolling out a can* of Mason’s root beer. “The way to a Ted's heart is truly through his or her stomach.”

“Don't be so cynical,” Thea admonished me as we went in to get the pizzas. “You know very well that they have much bigger hearts than stomachs.”

Lily-pop was reaching out to me, wanting me to hold her. As I took her and Itsy from Thea, I glanced at the soles of Lily-pop's back paws and saw the great big red hearts that were placed on each. “I know no such thing,” I answered, holding Itsy and Lily-pop up where I could snuggle and kiss and tickle them. “Although,” I allowed, as the two of them squirmed and giggled under my barrage of kisses, “I'm willing to concede the point on faith alone.”

“I'm hungry,” said Waldo.

“Me, too,” said Sparkie.

“Me, too,” said Lily-pop and Itsy in between their peals of laughter and squeals of joy.

“And I do mean on faith alone,” I said, getting the final word for once.

*Unfortunately, cans of Mason's are available only to Teddy Bears.  Birnie and Biwi have set up a secret cannery in the hills of east Kentucky.